Yesterday I laid out the need to forgive. Today I thought I would go through some of the steps it takes in order to forgive. It's easy to tell someone you forgive, but do you really forgive or are you just saying hollow words to pacify the situation?
So you begin a conversation with "I forgive you." What do those words mean to you? Are you forgiving the person or the action taken against you? Forgiving the person is actually the hardest part. Every time you see that person you start thinking of the transgression against you. You can not separate the actions from the person in many cases. So let's start with the person.
Is the person you are forgiving a friend, family member, loved one? Friends are actually easier to forgive because typically we don't carry emotional baggage with friends. Family are the hardest. Family is supposed to support and protect you, yet life and selfish motivations get in the way. Friends on the other hand have less of a duty, so we tend to let them off of the hook in certain situations.
So if you have a friend that you are forgiving, you tend to go much easier on them. You have to ask yourself "do I expect less of the person?" You also must ask what are your motivations for forgiving. Are you doing this out of duty or friendship? If you are forgiving out of duty you might as well not forgive at all. Duty means nothing to friends or family, especially friends. They can always find another friend. Besides, if you are doing it out of duty, are you really a friend? Most likely not.
Family on the other hand are tricky. We expect more out of family. Family should never betray us!! Guess, what they do. We are all broken people trying to figure out how to negotiate life. Many times we do it wrong. If a family member has betrayed you, likely you have done the same to them. Perhaps it was not as blatant, but you have done it. I challenge anyone to say that they have not done something wrong in a relationship.
So you tell someone that you forgive. What does forgiveness mean. If we look at it biblically, we would say that we would cast it away and never remember it. Unfortunately for us, we something happens we create an imprinted memory. that memory is associated with smells, tastes, and emotions. A hurt wife can tell the exact place she was, what she was wearing and what was happening that day. Where a husband is more likely to tuck it away and just remember the actions associated with the hurt.
So in order to forgive, you need to detach from those emotions associated with it. You can not necessarily forget, but you can remove the pain from it. The next step you need to take is figuring out what role you had in the situation. Many times we want to just place the blame on the person doing the actions, but something led up to what happened. Sometimes, there a things that are beyond our control, and we have not necessary done anything to deserve the betrayal. In relationships, this is very rare.
When you begin the process of forgiving, you use this memory to give you strength. Many times things happen for a reason. Perhaps you need to work on communication. Telling someone that every thing is alright all the time leads to a road of loneliness and betrayal. If someone does not know how to talk with you, how can you expect that they will know your needs? They can't. So if you feel betrayed because someone did not step up when you needed them, you need to look at how you communicate. People can not read minds!!!!!
Forgiveness does take time. Don't tell yourself the lie that once you forgive it is over. You will still feel the pain, but you can learn from this. We have pain for a reason. It is telling us that there is something wrong and we need to fix it. It is the same as putting your hand to a flame. Your brain screams "remove the hand, remove the hand." The same goes emotional pain. It is telling you that you need to be proactive and work on fixing things.
The real question with forgiving is whether you are forgiving or are you looking for a pound of flesh. You can require allegiance from someone, or you can realize that they are human and that are prone to making mistakes. If you are looking for someone to take that pain away, it is not forgiveness. You are looking for atonement, not forgiveness. You have the duty of removing the pain, not the person who harmed you. You are the only one that really change things.
Perhaps this needs more discussion. But I think today this should suffice. Remember, you are in share of how you respond to situations, and only you can change your life, not others.
No comments:
Post a Comment